I am struggling.
I find myself in the position that so many women find themselves in, those of us "working Mother's" if you will, who find there is no such thing as "balance". Oh, I believe there are good phases, times when you feel "on top of it" and easily able to accomplish the tasks expected of you, but there are also phases where you couldn't keep up or measure up to save your life, and you are exhausted beyond your ability to really know how to do better.
Last September when I stopped working nights, I assumed it would be the BEST thing, no more nights, dinner's that more resembled "meals", homework and tucking the kids into bed each night, just seemed like an obvious win-win. What I didn't expect is that I miss my little boy, ALOT, I miss the morning routine, breakfast, bath and getting dressed for the day. I miss sitting down to eat lunch with him and then taking him to pre-school three day's a week AND picking him up, I miss my Mcafee Monday lunch with my good friend Kelly and going to the pool during the summer with her and her children, who my kids LOVE! I don't see my very good friends that I worked with at night for all those ten years either, and I miss them and the support, advice and love they gave to me, I miss their faces and voices; still.
I miss all that. When I get home, I'm still trying to find a rhythym that is totally backwards from what I did for TEN YEARS. And instead of reveling in the 2.5 hrs of quiet that would be mine (while little E is in pre-school), well, now I'm at work instead. I have been at this parenting gig for 17 1/2 yrs, I am tired, and am desperate for time that belongs TO ME, and yet, I am grateful for all four of my children, and know every sacrafice I make for them is honorable and recorded in heaven and will be given back to me ten fold; someday.
I find myself in the position that so many women find themselves in, those of us "working Mother's" if you will, who find there is no such thing as "balance". Oh, I believe there are good phases, times when you feel "on top of it" and easily able to accomplish the tasks expected of you, but there are also phases where you couldn't keep up or measure up to save your life, and you are exhausted beyond your ability to really know how to do better.
Last September when I stopped working nights, I assumed it would be the BEST thing, no more nights, dinner's that more resembled "meals", homework and tucking the kids into bed each night, just seemed like an obvious win-win. What I didn't expect is that I miss my little boy, ALOT, I miss the morning routine, breakfast, bath and getting dressed for the day. I miss sitting down to eat lunch with him and then taking him to pre-school three day's a week AND picking him up, I miss my Mcafee Monday lunch with my good friend Kelly and going to the pool during the summer with her and her children, who my kids LOVE! I don't see my very good friends that I worked with at night for all those ten years either, and I miss them and the support, advice and love they gave to me, I miss their faces and voices; still.
I miss all that. When I get home, I'm still trying to find a rhythym that is totally backwards from what I did for TEN YEARS. And instead of reveling in the 2.5 hrs of quiet that would be mine (while little E is in pre-school), well, now I'm at work instead. I have been at this parenting gig for 17 1/2 yrs, I am tired, and am desperate for time that belongs TO ME, and yet, I am grateful for all four of my children, and know every sacrafice I make for them is honorable and recorded in heaven and will be given back to me ten fold; someday.
I feel rushed, inadequate, lonely and possibly that I didn't make the right decision? I have removed a few things from my life, important things, people and routines, that I just can't replace right now. Truth be told. I am struggling.
Hey Darling, I think your thoughts are very well expressed. I appreciate your honesty with how you feel right now in your life.
ReplyDeleteI think you made the right choice in changing up the routine. You wouldn't have known how you would feel beforehand. You are a wonderfully attached mother and ANY time away from your kids is hard. I miss you at night. Maybe it's time to come back! If you need a switch-a-roo again, we would love to have you.
P.S. The unbalanced, rushed life, also goes for me. Going back home to Chico was a nice break, but it also planted stronger seeds to be changing up my routine and try to do something different soon.
Oh, that makes me sad! I think it's just plain hard having to work when kids are home. It is sad the things we have to miss. Didn't you just get done working full days for the last week? That would make you feel VERY behind when you aren't use to it. Maybe you'll feel better getting back to your normal schedule.
ReplyDeleteOf course, we'd love you back at work with us at nights. :0)
We miss you!