We have been busy, too busy I think. I sometimes I find myself just wishing our life could/would just SLOW DOWN.
Followed closely by my desire to have things quit changing. I'm not generally Change's biggest fan, and I'm going through ton's of it on a just about weekly basis.
Time has come to go back to work, I do want to (sort of,) but I want to be happy in that role, and I know that means finding something that will incorporate my little ones.
Lucky for me, I found a place that does, and it's a great place. Christ Lutheran Church and School. I love this place. I have subbed a few times now, Pre-K, Two year old room and toddlers; LOVE each of these rooms, but I have a real affinity for the 2's/toddlers. I just really loved these kids, and it's a place I can really "see" myself. I love that the idea of God, higher purpose and Christ centered values can have a place in school.
Problem is, they don't have anything full time, even part time right now... So I am in a holding pattern.
In the meantime, I started one job, hated it but hung in there for 2 mo's.... then started getting interviews for Special Ed assistant, and I interviewed for an elementary school that I really had a good feeling about, and they offered me the position, two seconds AFTER the Jr High offered me the same position! I ended up telling the Jr High that I was going to pass, take the Elementary job....
This begins a series of "comedy of errors" that is just funny, but irritating, I don't even have the motivation to tell the story here... but I finally started last Tuesday.
Special Education= Autistic group. Surprise!
I don't know much about Autism or what kids with autism are "like" but I am about to really find out that it's a TOUGH GIG.
I have been punched, kicked and hit. It's been a week.
Autism=S.A.D just a sad situation. It's volatile and unpredictable and exhausting.
Worst of all... everything you know to do and be as a woman/Mother is out the window. Every natural instinct you have is WRONG with these kids (most anyway)
Touching, hugging, TALKING and reading are all unwelcome activities and for some will get you hit, kicked or otherwise hurt.
So, I am back to square one. This job won't ever get me benefits, is more than likely less money than where I just was and where I am trying to go.
I could do without the constant turmoil. What to do, what to do.....
I don't feel like wasting time with things that don't really make me happy, and with things that don't have any value to them, a "job" for the sake of a job just isn't going to be enough, I guess I have Sundance to thank for that, as I know if you're going to work, you can be happy with your work and with the company that employs you and with the people you work with.
I will probably make that commitment to Christ Lutheran and hang in there until I can get there as a permanent resident, which I feel is more "when" then "if"
Even with a scenario I love, I am having a hard time with my ever changing "role"
It's not fair. I have to try very hard to remind myself that sometimes life isn't.
Sometimes, you have to keep your eye on the bigger picture and just put your faith in the feeling that your feet are on the right path.
But I could do without the turmoil, have I mentioned that?