Life.

It happens.


We have been busy, too busy I think. I sometimes I find myself just wishing our life could/would just SLOW DOWN.

Followed closely by my desire to have things quit changing. I'm not generally Change's biggest fan, and I'm going through ton's of it on a just about weekly basis.

Time has come to go back to work, I do want to (sort of,) but I want to be happy in that role, and I know that means finding something that will incorporate my little ones.

Lucky for me, I found a place that does, and it's a great place. Christ Lutheran Church and School. I love this place. I have subbed a few times now, Pre-K, Two year old room and toddlers; LOVE each of these rooms, but I have a real affinity for the 2's/toddlers. I just really loved these kids, and it's a place I can really "see" myself. I love that the idea of God, higher purpose and Christ centered values can have a place in school.

Problem is, they don't have anything full time, even part time right now... So I am in a holding pattern.

In the meantime, I started one job, hated it but hung in there for 2 mo's.... then started getting interviews for Special Ed assistant, and I interviewed for an elementary school that I really had a good feeling about, and they offered me the position, two seconds AFTER the Jr High offered me the same position! I ended up telling the Jr High that I was going to pass, take the Elementary job....

This begins a series of "comedy of errors" that is just funny, but irritating, I don't even have the motivation to tell the story here... but I finally started last Tuesday.

Special Education= Autistic group. Surprise!

I don't know much about Autism or what kids with autism are "like" but I am about to really find out that it's a TOUGH GIG.

I have been punched, kicked and hit. It's been a week.

Autism=S.A.D just a sad situation. It's volatile and unpredictable and exhausting.

Worst of all... everything you know to do and be as a woman/Mother is out the window. Every natural instinct you have is WRONG with these kids (most anyway)

Touching, hugging, TALKING and reading are all unwelcome activities and for some will get you hit, kicked or otherwise hurt.

So, I am back to square one. This job won't ever get me benefits, is more than likely less money than where I just was and where I am trying to go.

I could do without the constant turmoil. What to do, what to do.....

I don't feel like wasting time with things that don't really make me happy, and with things that don't have any value to them, a "job" for the sake of a job just isn't going to be enough, I guess I have Sundance to thank for that, as I know if you're going to work, you can be happy with your work and with the company that employs you and with the people you work with.

I will probably make that commitment to Christ Lutheran and hang in there until I can get there as a permanent resident, which I feel is more "when" then "if"

Even with a scenario I love, I am having a hard time with my ever changing "role"
It's not fair. I have to try very hard to remind myself that sometimes life isn't.

Sometimes, you have to keep your eye on the bigger picture and just put your faith in the feeling that your feet are on the right path.

But I could do without the turmoil, have I mentioned that?

Catching up, once again...

Well, here I am.... again, catching up. I am going to try, really hard to get back on track. We've had a busy last few months.

Changes, and more changes. I'll be happy when it seems like I'm not making some change every few weeks...



Our Summer....

Our Summer.

HAS. BEEN. BUSY.

We Went to Disneyland in June, via Las Vegas, we had a full day where everyone was together, it was really terrific. The boy's returned home, and we went on to Disney.

Dolly had a birthday right after we returned home, she turned 9... my how time flies.

We had family come at the end of June/July, it seemed like we were hopping the whole month of July with family visiting, swimming, various activities with cousins and Aunts and Uncles and Grandparent's.

I started working. This is a mixed bag of emotions, and quite frankly, the bravest thing I've done in awhile. There isn't a good time for Mom to be gone, and it's taking some getting used to.

The kids will finish this week, and then have all of next before they go back... Ethan to 1st grade, Dolly to 4th.

We still have another week of activities, and I will be posting pictures again soon.

Our summer has been a lot of fun, probably the most fun we've had over our "off track" time that I can remember. We've made a lot of memories......

All four children, TOGETHER for the day

It's not very often all four are together with us.... big boy's are off and running in life now. So it was a real joy to have us all together for the drive to Las Vegas... We got to swim and eat dinner together, then we walked the strip, the big boy's rode the New York, New York roller coaster and the little one's just loved all the lights and people (well mostly, Dolly said "I don't like all these smoking people... and those BAD cards they keep trying to had us!")

The nice thing about walking the strip with little kids? They don't even try to hand them to you!

Happy Birthday, Dolly!

June 24th. Just means one thing....

DOLLY'S BIRTHDAY... so far.....

.. A little boy counts down.

Ethan has 7 day's til his 6th anniversary of his open heart surgery... he wanted to make a chart AND demanded that we do 5 things that HE WANTS TO DO, it's HIS DAY!....

Little boy doesn't know we'll be in California, at DISNEYLAND that day.... he's gonna lose his little mind when he finds out!!!!!

School lunch for Ethan

This kiddo was so excited to go to school and eat school lunch! He got a pin (that turned out to be his student #) but he had it memorized anyway.

Personally, I wish they would both let me pack lunches. I really find the choices to be limited, fatty, saturated in salt and really not that good tasting either. But, neither will let me. I may have to have a mandatory day when the school season starts....

To make it even more fun, Callie's class was serving that week, so we had Callie, Makenna and Max all "welcoming" him. He got his own "helper" to take him down the line, pick out milk, lunch and then grab silverware and veggies..... he loved it.

He's a big boy now. Even this year at the pool he can get in WITHOUT my getting in with him, so we are really heading down a new road this year.. I am very ready for a new road. I think I'm about to find a whole bunch of "new" in my life coming up soon......

New wii game

Boy is this a fun game! It's fun to hear the songs and watch the kids, the only real problem, they want it UP LOUD... and it goes on for at least an hour after school. It's great physical activity for the kids and they love it!

Dr. John Hawkins

What a wonderful Doctor, and human being Dr. John Hawkins was. Dr. Hawkins performed Ethan's open heart surgery when he was 5 months old. He was kind, funny, professional and mostly warm and empathetic, and THE BEST. literally. The best pediatric cardio thoracic surgeon in the world, and lucky for us, right here when our family needed it.

Every time I met/saw Dr. Hawkins he was so very kind, and it floored me how he could remember people, the thousands of children that have passed through his operating room. It's what made him so good at what he did.

Dr. Hawkins was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer almost two years ago, and he lost that battle last Sunday. A true loss for the world. He literally operated on children from all over the world, every day, several times a day.

The day before Ethan was to have open heart surgery, his nurse, Bonnie called to say that due to scheduling issues, Dr. Hawkins may have to pass to his associate Dr. Kouretas... I expressed my grief at this, it's like when you are pregnant, and you have this Dr for 9 months, and then they try to give you some resident to deliver your baby... I told her that I felt we "knew" Dr. Hawkins, and that he KNEW Ethan's heart, we wanted him.

Dr. Hawkins made it happen. He operated on a sick baby for 7 hours before moving right into Ethan's 5 hour surgery.

We are so grateful to Dr. Hawkins, his service to the "heart community" for all the time he spent being the best at what he did.

One morning after surgery, Dr. Hawkins made "rounds" and we were talking about how far this surgery had come in 20 years, he said 20 years ago babies with Ethan's condition were sent home to "be kept comfortable" until they failed. Now, they can go on to have normal, healthy lives. Dr. Hawkins noted that as much as he had learned what to do in the past 20 years of practicing, he knew what NOT TO DO, and that it was just as important as what he knew. I thought that was a remarkable statement.

The world is better because of Dr. John Hawkins.

Silly kid!

Tubby time

The last two are of them watching the end of the NASCAR race..... so upset that Jimmy Johnson isn't going to win..... well, not really, but it's becoming a family affair!

Thyroid update.

It's been about 2.5 mo since I began seeing Mark Johnson in Orem. He has me on 3 "drops"

1. For thyroid. Which, btw, he says it right where he wants it now.

2. Progesterone. WOW. What a difference that made. just a couple days after I started that I was able to "wake up" and get going.

3. A raspberry root. This one is for hormones in general.

Last week, he let me add Phosphatidyl. whatever. can't pronounce it, but it's to help stop the production of cortisol, which at this point is the last "problem" and unfortunately, goes hand in hand with thyroid. SIGH.

I am LOVING feeling better, BUT am having such a hard time with this weight that I CANNOT get off.... it has truly gotten under my skin, into my head, and makes me crazy. YET, I am, at the same time OK with who I am, more so than ever. I KNOW who I am, I KNOW what I am made of, and I know that I will continue to battle against my own body. I can be very determined, and I am still very hopeful that a remnant of what I looked like will return as my body tries to re learn what it has forgotten.

The very bright side of things is that I am now doing a whole bunch of stuff that I had really forgotten that I used to do ALL THE TIME, like:

VACUUMING. Really?

MOPPING.

LAUNDRY.

LISTS. Yes, I have even forgotten that I am very motivated and driven by LISTS.

KIDS AND CHORES. I am now right behind them, like I'd been for 18.5 yrs BEFORE this  ugly little issue... kids could not be more pleased. wink, wink.

EXERCISE. If you know me, you know this has never been an issue, and yet, as you struggle to do it, knowing how much better it makes you feel, you JUST CAN'T.

I don't " I JUST CAN'T" anything. And I just couldn't.

BUT I'M BACK. A little more so everyday, and for the first time in a very long time, I'm very hopeful that I can win the battle.

Again. If you are getting to be 40, and you've noticed a few subtle changes, things that just don't seem right, act. research. be your own advocate. Things change at 40, I wish I could say it's all thyroid, all pituitary decline, but 40 is it's own beast, things are just going to be different. I am now mid life, and everything I do to keep young at heart is hard fought.

As we approach Mother's day, I am so grateful for a Mother who showed me how to stand up, take charge, and love myself, and who gave me an almost perfect "model" of how to do it. It makes it much easier to not be so hard on myself at this time of change and trasition. It also helps that she is still present and active in my life, still giving me that lift when I need it, those words when I can't find them, and the treasured gift of knowing, STILL, that she loves me and is proud of me.

For Grandmommy... (Callies Easter dress)

This has become my new favorite color on Callie! (I've become quite fond of it for myself as well).

Baby blue. It looks stunning on her. I also LOVE gingham, always have, so when we saw this the weekend we went to Las Vegas, I just had to have it for her Easter dress.... best part? SHE LIKED IT! More than one person in church commented on how adorable and "soft" it was, then "AND SHE WORE IT?!" Yes, she liked it, let me dress her up too, like a real dolly!

Easter

What a wonderful Easter we had! As usual, I didn't have any idea what we were doing as of Friday for Easter dinner... seems like that just isn't "the thing" anymore.

Levi text me on Friday asking if I knew what was going on for Sunday... nope. No one's even said a word about Easter. We decided to make our own and just move forward. Macy's had a pretty good deal that included the ham, salads, rolls, asparagus and angel food cake with strawberries.

I cooked, and we had it here. Turned out perfect. I got two more bar stools so all four kids would be at the bar, and we had just enough grown up, including my brother Jacob and my Mom, for everyone to have a seat at the table. Hopper was here too, but Coder had to work, so he came in the morning to go to church with us, which was so nice of him.

I love Easter. Even more than Christmas.